Of Holidays and Winter..

Dear Santa,

Let me get to the point straight away. I get it. Its that time of the year again. People will try some serious ass-kissing. There will be blackmailing. Then there's the bribery? Of course, who can forget the promises? I know. We call it the appraisal cycle in offices here on Earth. I don't need to tell you, but don't be overwhelmed by all this. When you have well-wishers like me, you need not worry.

So, I was sitting in the Organization Behavior class last week, listening to an intellectually stimulating, extremely well spoken and an infinitesimally boring monologue on Change Management, when it occured to me that you, Santa, need an MBA professional to look after your services! I did some serious thinking on your behalf, and here's what I have come up with. Please allow me to explain:

  • MARKETING MANAGEMENT - Where do I even begin on this one? With the kind of work you do, you need some real hotshot MBA grads who can make a brand out of your life, paste it on walls across the world (real and virtual), make Televisions scream out your name, put up hoardings that sell you, create social media campaigns and twitter handles that make you the "in" thing and so much more. You deserve it. Naah. But these guys will still do it if they "believe in your brand's relevance", and also because in some Marketing lecture, this drivel was fed into their heads and they need to desperately show off. Meh. But whatever, you get your publicity, no? Fine, I was kidding. You totally deserve it. Does it matter? ;)
  • FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT - You cannot keep everyone happy. No. The faster you employ an MBA in Finance, the sooner you can convey this little message to the world of lunatics out there who keep sending you long lists of things they want from you. Pretty soon, one day, you'll realize finances don't stick around forever and that bank balance does not replenish on its own. Return on Investment? Ever heard of that? Yeah? That's what an MBA can teach you. So next time you promise a certain 20 something awesome girl in Delhi an iPhone 4S, you can also, in the same breathe, force her to buy paid apps and subscribe to your paid online newsletter, with the latest updates from Lala Land. She'll do it. Trust me.
  • HR MANAGEMENT - There are more Christmas movies on those Elves you employ, than on you. What kind of an HR Manager are you? You need someone who can manage these guys with a strong hand and at the same time make it all look nice and awesome. For instance, you could start an appraisal system with performance based on number of toys these guys make. And then, at the end of every month, you could have an Employee of the Month. Make a compensation system with inflated packages that make it look all nice and puffy, but cut money for every misplaced toy limb and every iPhone with network problems. That should do it.
  • OPERATIONS/SUPPLY CHAIN MANAGEMENT - Sliding down Chimneys? Really? That's your answer to all the high-fi distribution networks the Leo Mattels and Kens and Barbie's have on offer? Sigh. Revamp. Complete system overhaul. That's what is required. Automated delivery mechanism, collection mechanism for those cookies left on tables, a GPS tracking to keep a tab on what's going where. Oh so much to do.

I could go on. But you get the picture? You need MBAs. Period.
I am free and willing to take up this work for the winter as a Live Project that I can boast about on my resume later. Cool?

Now that that's out of the way, shall we move on to the more important parts? I want an iPhone (like I hinted subtly enough), a trip to Europe, a month long vacation, a million bucks, loads of free time and a life. That's all.

With overflowing sincerity,




HAPPY HOLS, EVERYONE! :)

Comments

  1. come here from Malaysia =)

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  2. When you join the Santa Claus Organisation, hire me for all your research and consulting needs. I'll recommend you the various market strategies :P

    And yes, my list is similar to yours with just a little tweaking - do away with the iPhone, replace a million bucks with a billion bucks, and change the Europe tour to a World tour

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  3. Oh my... Santa seems quite inefficient, I have to say, when you put it in that light. Tch, tch...

    :D This was hilarious, poker-face wit at it's best!

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  4. Theothersideoflife 13Saturday, December 17, 2011

    Hi there!

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  5. The Other Side of LifeSaturday, December 17, 2011

    I like your list more than mine! :D
    I'll hire you, but wont be able to pay you so much. :P

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  6. The Other Side of LifeSaturday, December 17, 2011

    Thanks Priyanka! :)

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  7. //Sliding down Chimneys? Really? // hahaha I just couldnt help laughing at this line
    awesome analysis u have done on their management... enjoyed reading :D

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  8. The Other Side of LifeSunday, December 18, 2011

    Thanks Raji! :)

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  9. :) this was funny .. Here's wishing SANTA gives you all that you have asked for and hey when you have that million bucks Get me a Iphone too :)
    and europe nice make sure you visit UK ..

    All the best

    Bikram's

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  10. I want Santa Claus to be mine forever and forever :)

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  11. The Other Side of LifeSunday, December 18, 2011

    I'll get myself an iPhone first and then you? :D

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  12. The Other Side of LifeSunday, December 18, 2011

    :)
    Okay, done! :)

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  13. Hahaha.....this was very funny! Now let's see what Santa gives you in return :p

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  14. U little clown....!!! Will you please share your million bucks so that i dont have to work ever again...i assume you asked for US$ million bucks so that there is enough for both of us

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  15. Yawn...boooooring post..zzzz :P Happy holidays anyways..the best thingie to do in holidays is to do a Tom's act of white wash for the apple..ain't it? :-)

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  16. The Other Side of LifeMonday, December 19, 2011

    Better be something good! :D

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  17. The Other Side of LifeMonday, December 19, 2011

    Of course it was US$! Duh! :D
    You know what, I'll just ask for 2 Million. Its easier sharing that way! :D

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  18. hahahaha!!! Always love your homour quotient :)

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  19. The Other Side of LifeThursday, December 22, 2011

    Thanks Dew! :)
    Long time! :)

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  20. hahaha.. good one! you seem to be using the 'knowledge' gained in B- school pretty well already! :) Talking of Santa and the 'organisation'.. have you seen the movie 'Fred Claus'. It is about Santa's brother :)

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  21. Girl at this rate you will scare poor Santa away and then you will have millions of children around the world standing at your doorstep. Go slow and teach his one thing at a time so that it is not too much change for him. You know how stuck in the mud these old people are. :P

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  22. yessssssssssssssss.. Excellent will hold you to it :) will wait and pray you get the million bucks .. 2 days to go :)

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  23. The Other Side of LifeSaturday, December 24, 2011

    Oooh I've seen that movie! Its pretty awesome! :D

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  24. The Other Side of LifeSaturday, December 24, 2011

    But that's how MBA's taught! Everything at one go! Santa has gotta learn! :D

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  25. I' am also in for the winter project.... Tell me when???? And for my current job I'll tell my TL that I have been kidnapped.... Making excuse is not a problem... :D

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  26. Ask for some extra bucks from Santa. :D I think you should become Santa's manager and redress all grievances, wishes, prayers quickly and efficiently. :) Wish you a very happy and prosperous new year. :)

    PS: Keep us updated with MBA lessons. :)

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  27. The Other Side of LifeMonday, December 26, 2011

    Hehehe! :D
    I'll let you know. I don't mind making this a full time thing! :P

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  28. The Other Side of LifeMonday, December 26, 2011

    Happy New Year to you too Ajay! :)
    Thanks for coming back! :)

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