How Hard Is It to Change?
It's been so long since I wrote a cathartic post. It's been worth the wait!
So much is changing around me. I am afraid to breathe out, lest it results in butterfly effect and some other change that will take the carpet away from under me.
In the characteristic ax on the foot style or pair pe kulhadi style, I asked for some changes. I quit my job because I wanted to explore doing something of my own, learn something new, try something different. It's been a month and it's been good. I have struggled, enjoyed, found good work to do. But it's a change, nonetheless. Every once in a while, I can hear the cells in my body screaming to me saying, "Did you not know how change resistant we are? What did you think when you did this? That we will celebrate with wine?"
I ignore the screams and go about doing what I set out to do. Then I see a mail from the bank about account balance. And I can feel those cells getting together and glaring at me. That's the time when it occurs to me that all those clickbait articles about "5 Signs You Are Ready to Quit Your Job" and "How I quit my job and stayed happy forever" aren't really meant for everyone.
I also decided to study. Another change I asked for. This one is ok. My body is also excited about this. We can't wait for this to start in September. Except when it is time to pay the fees and do all the adult things like applying for visas. Then the change resistant cells tip my balance and scare me out of my wits, giving me lectures about how change within a certain limit is ok, but how major changes require permissions from the body committee, that meets once in a mid-life crisis.
The change I never asked for was my sister moving abroad. I first set my eyes on my niece five minutes after she was born. She's now six. At the cost of sounding like an emotional fool, I never thought I could love anyone so much. And now she is far away. I can literally feel my breathe being sucked away every time I think about how I will not see her every month. I just cannot fathom this distance. Waiting for time to do it's magic. Only on me, not on her. I don't want her to forget me.
Why are some people like this? So comfortable in their cocoon, happy with status quo, change resistant?
I wish I was detached. I wish I could just move on. I wish I could embrace change. I wish my article was the one titled "How my life changed overnight and how much I loved the experience." But it's not. Because I am normal.
Atleast that's one thing that hasn't changed.